Every time I try to show up for myself, something inside me finds a way to resist it. I don’t hear the same voice that used to whisper, “You’ll never change or stick with it anyway,” because I’m more in control of my thoughts now. But that voice has turned into something else.
It’s a force that still finds ways to paralyze me and pull me back into old habits every time I try to move forward. That’s my constant battle between self-discipline and self-sabotage; a tug-of-war between my old self and my new self, both fighting for my attention.
Honestly, it feels like being stuck between divorced parents who hate each other. Both demanding your loyalty while you’re just trying to survive the chaos. (I’d know, because I am that kid, so I guess you could say I speak from experience lol.)
Where My Self-Sabotage Comes From
Over the last few years, I’ve become painfully aware of my self-sabotage patterns. I wanted to know where they came from and who or what taught me to destroy my own progress? Just so I can find someone because it’s easier than to blame my parents, especially my mom, for not teaching me consistency or discipline, than holding myself accountable.
I grew up in survival mode, so of course chaos feels familiar. Peace feels foreign. Rest feels unsafe.
And even though I say I want to change, and repeat all these positive affirmations every morning, my body is still stuck in survival mode and while learning how to feel safe again.
Self-sabotage isn’t laziness.
It’s fear disguised as protection.
For years, my brain believed chaos was safer than peace because peace meant letting my guard down. And back then, I couldn’t afford that.
What Self-Discipline Is Teaching Me
This year, the universe basically said, “We’re not doing this BS anymore. Either you change or I’ll make you change,” so here I am, writing about it.
Discipline has been my teacher. It’s how I’m rebuilding trust with myself. Every small promise I keep, every task I complete tells my brain “See, Ale? We can change. We can depend on ourselves now.”
Right now, I’m on day 72 of The Pivot Year by Brianna Wiest; a book of 365 daily meditations for anyone struggling with self-sabotage and change. On September 1 of this year, I made the conscious decision to dedicate an entire year to becoming the best version of myself.
Every morning, I write my to-do list. My non-negotiables: meditation, journaling, reading a daily page of The Pivot Year, walking for 25 minutes, and working on my blog.
Some days, I tackle everything. Other days, I don’t. But I’m no longer chasing perfection.
Now, I practice compassion, especially on the days when I feel resistance and don’t check off every task. The most important thing is that I don’t give up and I try again.
How I Catch Myself Before I Spiral
Here are a few things that help me when I feel self-sabotage creeping in:
- 🪞 Ask what I’m resisting. Fear is usually hiding behind procrastination.
- 🗒️ Set realistic expectations. Overloading myself only leads to burnout.
- ✍️ Do a brain dump or journal before bed. (Doesn’t always happen, but I keep trying!)
- 🤝 Have an accountability buddy. Someone who reminds me why I started and keeps me motivated.
These small practices help me rewire my mind and stop the cycle before it spirals.
The Two Voices I Wake Up With
Every morning, I wake up with two voices; one that fears change and doubts my ability to follow through, and another that believes in the woman I’m becoming.
I’m learning to listen to the second one.. the one that whispers,
“You owe it to your future self. She’s waiting for you to keep going.”
Because that’s what self-discipline vs self-sabotage really is, a daily choice. Some days, self-sabotage wins. But now, I don’t abandon myself when it does. I take a breath, start again, and remind myself that even starting over is progress.
And with everything I’m going through, my health, work, and everything in between, there are days when my energy is at 0%. On those days, I let myself rest without guilt. But I also make sure I don’t stay in that energy for too long. Resting is part of healing and growth, as long as it doesn’t turn into another excuse.
That’s how self-discipline wins; not in perfection, but in the quiet moments where I choose to keep going, honor my body, and show up again when I’m ready.
