Personal Archives - Page 3 of 4

I Went No Contact with My Father; A Few Months Later, He Died.

March 13, 2024

Going no contact with a parent is the last thing an adult child ever wants to do.

If you grew up in a religious Hispanic household, disowning family members, especially a parent, is considered a forbidden act, a taboo. “Always honor both your parents” was something taught from an early age. You should always be indebted and grateful to them, regardless of any emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual pain they might have caused you growing up.

But what happens when the pain caused by a parent becomes too unbearable, too deep, too painful to continue the dysfunctional relationship? What do you do in that situation? Do you keep on enduring the abuse or do you walk away, even if it’s one of the most painful decisions you will ever make?

Deciding to go no contact with a parent is not a decision made lightly. In fact, it is one of the most heartbreaking things an adult child will ever have to do.

What is No Contact with a parent?

“No contact with a parent” is when an individual, usually an adult child, decides to cut off all communication and interaction with one or both of their parents. This decision is often made due to significant conflicts, abuse, or other toxic behavior displayed by the parent. This makes maintaining the relationship extremely harmful for the adult child. No contact is a boundary-setting measure aimed at protecting the individual’s emotional well-being and safety.

Adult children of emotionally immature parents often end up carrying their parents’ burdens as their own due to cultural and family dynamics. Embarking on my healing journey opened my eyes to the truth about our relationship: there was no father-daughter relationship. It was simply an obligation because of the way I was raised.

My experience with going no contact with my father

I had lived with my father for the first decade of my life. But after my parents came to the States to pursue a better life, they separated, and I never lived with him again. My father failed to form a bond with me after the divorce. And as time went by, the love and attachment I had for him started to disappear due to psychological abuse. I spent almost two decades convincing myself that it was normal not having a close relationship with him because the women in my family also had estranged relationships with their fathers.

But honestly, it wasn’t normal. At least, not in my eyes. To me, it seemed like the generational father’s wound had been passed down from my great grandmother, to my grandma, to my mother, and all the way down to me. That’s why I decided to put an end to it and no longer be identified by it. I refused to have a relationship with a family member just out of obligation.

When I first made the decision to go no contact with my father, I experienced all different emotions. But setting up a boundary allowed me to have my life back. For once, I was in full control of my own life and was no longer living by the expectations of others. Of course, alongside feeling empowered by my decision, feelings of shame and guilt overwhelmed me. “Was I doing the right thing? Am I a terrible person? What happens if he dies or harms himself because of my decision?” Those were some of the thoughts that constantly haunted me.

Going no contact with my father wasn’t just about cutting ties; it was about reclaiming my power and setting boundaries. It was about putting myself first and prioritizing my own happiness and well-being, regardless of the opinion of others. And though the journey was extremely painful, it ultimately led me to a place of peace and self-acceptance.

Tips for dealing with the decision to go no contact with a parent:

Seek Support: Surround yourself with understanding friends, family, or a therapist who can offer emotional support during this painful time.
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries to your parent and stick to them.
Let go of the guilt: Cutting off a parent is a huge decision, but your responsibility is first to your yourself and your well-being.
Practice Self-Care: Make self-care a priority to manage emotions and reduce stress.
Allow Yourself to Grieve: Recognize that it’s okay to mourn the loss of the relationship, even if it’s necessary.
Stay Firm: Stay committed to your decision, even if others try to persuade you otherwise.
Create Distance: Surround yourself with supportive people and limit contact with those who may guilt-trip you.
Find Closure: Seek closure within yourself through writing, journaling, or therapy.
Practice Forgiveness: Work towards forgiving your parent for your own peace of mind, without excusing their behavior.
Trust Yourself: Trust your instincts and know that you’re making the best decision for your well-being.

A few months after I made the decision to cut my father out of my life, he passed away, and I wasn’t there to say goodbye. Emotionally, I had been grieving him in silence since I was a teen. I also made peace with my decision and forgave him because I owed it to myself. I came to the realization that forgiveness is never about the other person. It’s about freeing yourself from the chains of the past. I am grateful for him and the lessons he taught me in this lifetime. And I truly believe that his shortcomings allowed me to transform myself in the most positive way. To this day, I don’t regret anything. Though my heart aches for the little girl in me that was in love with her dad and lost him the day he came to this country.

If you’re going through something similar, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to put your own well-being and mental health first. Your healing matters. You deserve to find peace and happiness, and to live free of pain no matter what anyone else says. Trust in your own strength, and know that brighter days lie ahead on the path to healing and self-love.

Embracing the Storm Within: Managing Big Emotions

March 6, 2024

For the longest time, I found myself running away from intense emotions. Fearing their overwhelming power. I was scared of the depth of my own emotions and the chaos they seemed to unleash internally. Honestly, it was easier to bury them. To suppress them. To pretend they didn’t exist, instead of confronting what I was truly feeling inside.

Avoidance only fueled the fire I carried within me. Ignoring those overwhelming emotions didn’t make them disappear at all. Instead, it made them linger for a very long time. Patiently waiting for an opportunity to finally rise to the surface. Eventually, I realized that in my quest to shield myself from feeling any type of pain, I was actually denying the opportunity to be human and fully indulge in the diverse range of emotions that we all came here to experience. And most importantly, I was refusing the opportunity to learn how to process them in a healthy way without becoming attached to them.

In the past, I used to pretend like everything was fine; even my behavior showed the opposite. For as long as I remember, I have been running away from anything that made me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. Unless I was going through a breakup, those were the only times I allowed myself to feel the pain. I come from a family that prefers to sweep things under the rug. I also grew up watching my mother suppress her emotions because of how uncomfortable it makes her feel. But as I get older, I am realizing she had not choice but to be strong for me and my baby sister. And just like that, I started to mirror the same behavior and repressed overwhelming emotions in order to protect myself.

My journey began when I decided to embark on the never-ending path of self-healing. Doing shadow work allowed me to see my own darkness and finally become aware, at 33 years-young, of my emotional numbness. Honestly, I didn’t like it. It made me feel extremely sad about the fact that I have been dissociating for most of my life due to severe stress and trauma. So I sought refuge in mindfulness and meditation, viewing them as tools that could potentially help me navigate the tumultuous waters of my emotions. Little did I know that these practices would become my anchor in my internal storm.

Mindfulness taught me to observe my emotions without judgment or attachment. It was challenging at first but yet, very enlightening. I began by simply acknowledging my feelings as they arose, and feeling them in my body. Allowing myself to experience them fully without suppressing or denying their existence. Meditation became my sanctuary; a space where I could sit with my emotions, and simply observe them as they pass without allowing them to overpower me.

Today, I stand more resilient, equipped with the wisdom that comes from confronting my emotions head-on. They no longer loom over me like an invincible obstacle; instead, they are guides, showing me the depth and richness of the human experience. To anyone navigating their own emotional journey, I encourage you to embrace your feelings, no matter how overwhelming they may seem. Practice mindfulness and patience. Allow yourself to feel without attachment, and trust that within the storm lies an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.

Remember, you are not alone on this journey. Embrace the storm within; it might just lead you to the calm you seek.

Overcoming Avoidance: A battle against myself

February 7, 2024

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Have you ever found yourself caught in the avoidance trap? You know, the one where you plan to tackle that to-do list but end up binge-watching videos on YouTube or Netflix instead? Or when you would rather pretend everything is fine in your relationship instead of having that uncomfortable talk with your partner? Join the club! Avoidance has been my silent best friend for as long as I can remember. I have yet to figure out the event in my life that turned me into the avoidant person that I am today. But as I learn more about myself, I notice that I cope with anxiety and depression by avoiding and isolating myself from people and situations that feel extremely overwhelming. In this blog post, I’m going to dive into my personal journey against overcoming avoidance.

The Struggle is Real

Let’s be honest: adulthood is no walk in the park. Looking back, I can’t believe I used to think that being an adult was the sh*t. Between bills, responsibilities, and that never-ending pressure to have your life together by a certain age, adulthood is probably the worst hood I have visited. But honestly, with everything going on with life and its many struggles, can you blame me for wanting to stay in my cozy cocoon of avoidance forever? As mentioned in Dr. Daniel F. Gros’s PHD workbook, Overcoming Avoidance, “avoidance and isolation are natural reactions to negative emotions such as depression, anxiety, fear, and anger.”

When those big emotions come knocking at my door, my first instinct is to find the nearest distraction so I can feel better at that moment or forget about it. Whether it’s mindlessly scrolling through social media or binge-watching Netflix shows, I’ve mastered the art of running away. But here’s the catch: those big emotions that I’m avoiding aren’t going anywhere. At the moment, it might feel better to avoid it, but ultimately, I’m only prolonging the actual problem. In the long run, it actually gives me more anxiety or depression to avoid or isolate myself. And those big emotions will continue to haunt me until I finally have the courage to face them. I almost feel like a walking time bomb waiting to explode or be defused. But learning how to get in touch with my emotions has been extremely helpful. I am still a work in progress. Taking one day at a time. As Miley Cyrus would say, “ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side. It’s the climb.”

Facing the Fire

Now, here comes the fun part—facing the fire. Confronting those big, uncomfortable feelings and situations might feel impossible at first. The thought of even doing it makes me extremely anxious. But the relief I get after confronting what I was running away from is liberating and powerful as f*ck. I end up feeling like a badass for conquering something that gave me so much anxiety at some point. I’m currently using the workbook I mentioned above called “Overcoming Avoidance” by Dr. Daniel F. Gros, PHD, and I’m becoming more aware of the patterns I have learned throughout my life and learning how to cope in a healthy way. There are different tools one can use to help you overcome avoidance, such as therapy, journaling, workbooks, stress management techniques. You just have to find something that works for you, but most importantly, believe that you are capable of doing anything you set your mind to.

Overcoming Avoidance Final Thoughts

My personal saga of overcoming avoidance has had many ups and downs. It’s like breaking free from the clutches of a comfort zone that’s overstayed its welcome and embracing the uncomfortable. Growth often lurks just beyond our fears. Remember, the first step is awareness. By recognizing when avoidance is rearing its head, you’re already halfway there. As I continue on my journey to overcome avoidance, I am constantly reminding myself to be kind.

We’re only humans, and setbacks are inevitable. But by staying committed to our goals and being gentle with ourselves along the way, we can conquer avoidance and live our lives to the fullest. You’re not alone in this adventure. So go ahead, dive into the unknown, embrace the challenges, and watch yourself grow. Share your story in the comment section!

Love 101: Life Lessons From My Relationships

December 13, 2023

Love is one of our greatest teachers. It’s a classroom that doesn’t offer traditional lessons or textbooks but instead immerses us in different experiences that shape our understanding of ourselves and others. I have been reflecting on the different life lessons I have learned through romantic relationships for a while, and I’ve come to realize that each connection has been a profound lesson in its own right, even if at first I wasn’t aware of it.

Every relationship has been a different chapter in my life that has taught me priceless life lessons about love, communication, compromise, and self-discovery. I believe relationships are mirrors of our inner world, which allow us to see what we hide beneath the surface. Our unhealed wounds caused throughout life will be amplified in these relationships. And sadly, in some cases, something that started as a beautiful thing can quickly turn into a destructive and damaging experience.

Ending a relationship usually brings tremendous amounts of pain and sadness. But it can also lead to powerful self-realizations and personal growth. I truly believe there are many life lessons to be learned from each romantic relationship we encounter. At first, it’s nearly impossible to see it because the ego loves being a victim. But once the grief starts to wear off, we can allow ourselves to see that relationship for what it was—a teachable moment in our personal journey throughout this lifetime.

In this blog post, I’ll dive into some life lessons I’ve learned from my romantic relationships so far—insights that have shaped my understanding of love, and ultimately, myself.

life lessons from my romantic relationships

Love Yourself
Expectations Leads to Disappointments
Don’t Forget To Communicate
Not Every Relationship Will Lead To Marriage
Date While Young
Your Unhealed Wounds Will Amplify In Your Relationships
Don’t Lose Yourself
Catch All the O’s

Love Yourself

As cliche as it sounds, this major revelation came as I was entering my 30s. I spent the majority of my life thinking that I loved myself when my actions showed the complete opposite. The concept of self-love was foreign to me. I grew up believing that love came from a partner. But mastering the art of self-love has been one of the most beautiful and important things I have learned from my relationships. Thanks to it, I now know how to prioritize my personal well-being, as well as my happiness and growth, before seeking validation or fulfillment from external parties.

Expectations Leads to Disappointments

You know the saying, “If he wanted to, he would”? Yeah, I wish I would’ve heard it sooner. I think most people enter relationships with unrealistic expectations. Don’t get me wrong; expectations are important. But there’s a difference between being realistic and delusional. I spent many years waiting to be someone’s main priority. Wanting to be seen. To be fancied and treated the way I always wanted to. I finally learned that expecting others to do as I please without voicing my needs and wants only leads to feeling disappointed. It’s important to set boundaries and communicate with your partner about what you want and expect from the relationship, which leads to…

Don’t Forget To Communicate

A HUGE one in my book. When I reflect on my younger years, I used to think that if my partner didn’t read my mind, it meant he didn’t love me. LOL. I have always struggled with how to properly verbalize my thoughts and feelings. Thankfully, I have an amazing partner who has excellent communication skills and is very in tune with his emotions. He constantly helps me get better at expressing myself and is very patient with me. We have built a safe space where we can both openly talk about anything without feeling judged. And it’s been an incredible journey, both profound and painful but nevertheless beautiful.

Not every relationship will lead to marriage

I’m the type of person who blindly believes in love and growing old together. And, as I get older and a bit wiser, I have learned that not all relationships will end in marriage. Some are there to show us something about ourselves that we weren’t able to see on our own, and they are helping us see the bigger picture. The most important thing is to not give into society’s pressure of having to get married by a certain age. The biggest lie we were told was that we need to have “our lives together” by the time we hit 30.

Date While Young

Honestly, this is a bit hypocritical of me. I haven’t really dated because I am a relationship type of gal. But I strongly believe now that dating, especially while young, helps you see what is truly out there and opens your eyes to all the possibilities. If I could go back in time, I would tell my 20-year-old self to focus more on herself and not take relationships during this decade seriously. Also, dating doesn’t always have to lead to sex. Getting to know different types of mindsets can help narrow down what to want and expect from a potential partner. Dating can be fun and non-serious, and it can definitely help you learn so much about yourself.

Your Unhealed Wounds Will Amplify In Your Relationship

This one was a hard pill to swallow. As I embarked on my healing journey, I became aware of how my unresolved trauma was manifesting in my romantic relationships through patterns and behaviors that I learned and experienced early in life. I spent many years and a lot of my energy in toxic relationships, thinking that eventually things were going to get better. But they don’t, not unless both individuals take accountability for their poor actions and truly have the desire to want to change. If you have been in an unhealthy relationship, I salute you. Leaving those types of relationships takes a tremendous amount of strength, energy and courage, and in most cases, many years.

Don’t Lose Yourself

It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship, especially if you don’t have any sense of individuality. It’s important for both parties to build a solid and healthy foundation for the betterment of the relationship, but please don’t neglect yourself in the process. Remember, it’s about building a partnership that allows for personal growth while being together.

Catch All the O’s

I once heard that “the male ego is as fragile as a woman’s heart,” and I couldn’t agree more. From a young age, I formed the self-limited belief that men weren’t capable of handling “painful and uncomfortable” truths, because they lacked emotional maturity. For most of my adult life, I pretended to enjoy the type of sex I was getting. Faking orgasms, being “okay” with the vanilla sex and the lack of effort. Luckily, I’m no longer in my 20s. I’m finally learning how to voice my needs and wants and that includes my sexual needs. I have learned that it takes a special kind of man to want to learn how your whole body works. Life was meant to be fully experienced and that includes having mind blowing sex as well 😉

One thing’s for sure: lessons from relationships are pure gold. Each heartache and every blissful moment has taught me something new—like how to communicate better, how to truly love myself, what to expect from a partner and when to hold on and when to let go. Looking back, I’m grateful for these experiences because they have shaped me and helped me grow as an individual. These lessons aren’t just scribbles in my journal; they’re life’s sticky notes reminding me to embrace the messy, beautiful chaos of human connections. So here’s to the messy lessons that make us wiser and more in-tune ourselves.

First Solo Trip to Sedona: A Transformative journey Within

November 15, 2023

Last year, I went on my first solo trip to Sedona, Arizona. As I mentioned before, I love to travel. But surprisingly, I’ve never gone on a solo trip before. The thought of it crossed my mind once or twice, but I didn’t believe I was capable of actually accomplishing it. Soon after I started my healing journey, I began to pay close attention to the many fears I had and how they were affecting and hindering my personal development. One of those fears was “the fear of being”alone”—alone with myself, my thoughts, my emotions, my demons.

I spent the majority of my life unaware of how terrifying the thought of being alone truly was. As a result, I’ve been in relationships since I was a teenager. I had formed an unconscious belief that I needed a partner in order to be truly happy and complete. How naive of me to think that. But the decision to go on this solo trip was a conscious one. It was an opportunity to confront my main fear, connect deeper with my soul, learn how to truly be happy on my own, and liberate myself from the burdens of the past.

Embarking on a solo journey can be a scary yet transformative experience. Leaping into the unknown and having the courage to step out of my comfort zone was just what I needed to continue on my self-discovery and healing journey. It had been about 2 years since I started working on myself and gaining self-awareness. But even with all the intense shadow work I was doing, along with reading self-help books and listening to countless self-healing podcasts, I was still feeling extremely lost and depressed. I desperately needed a reminder that there was light at the end of the tunnel. And that’s when I stopped making excuses and purchased the flight without a refund to make sure I didn’t back out.

Once I arrived in Sedona, I immediately felt the vibrant and healing energy that everyone mentions when they describe it. The sense of serenity was very noticeable, and I couldn’t help but cry as I was driving around. I felt so much gratitude and happiness, and I was just freaking proud of myself for having the bravery to do something that seemed very scary. I was finally facing and conquering my fear. I had never felt more capable of accomplishing anything. That’s when I stopped allowing my mind to have full control over me. At last, I was finally free.

As the days went by, I discovered a newfound sense of empowerment. The fear of being alone transformed into a celebration of solitude. Traveling alone allowed me to develop a closer relationship with myself while falling deeply in love with the woman I was becoming. I was also making peace with everything that had happened in the past, grieving versions of myself that I had outgrown, and releasing some of the heavy pain I was still carrying in my heart.

To be completely honest, I spent the majority of the trip crying but also feeling so grateful for all the lessons I was learning and how much I was growing in such a short time. Sedona became my sanctuary, my safe haven. It gave the opportunity for my true essence to fully come out. But it also allowed me to have fun, to enjoy being on own, to tap into my adventurous side, and fully enjoy the present moment. I once heard Will Smith say, “The best things in life are on the other side of fear,” and he was absolutely right. As scared and anxious as I was to go on this solo adventure, nothing will top the feeling of bliss I experienced during the entire trip.

My first solo trip Sedona was a transformative experience. I left the city a better person with a renewed spirit. It will forever have a special place in my heart, and I can’t wait to go back one day. Sometimes, the most profound journeys are the ones we take within ourselves, and Sedona, with its magical energy and breathtaking landscapes, provided the perfect setting for my personal voyage of self-development and healing.

“The unheard stories of Autism: A sibling’s journey”

November 1, 2023

My baby sister just turned 20 last week. Wow. I can’t even wrap my head around the thought of it. I’m sure most older sisters feel the same way I’m feeling right now. Seeing our younger siblings growing up and becoming their own person is mind blowing because in a way, we still hold onto the memories of when they were little. At the same time, I think deep down it scares us a bit because we are getting older. But my sister isn’t like most younger siblings; she is autistic. She might be 20 now but mentally Ari still acts like a young girl; in love with her barbies, Disney princesses, imaginary friends, all the stuff we left behind in our childhood. Growing up with a sibling who has autism is a unique and enriching experience that comes with its own set of rewards and challenges. My personal experience on the matter has taught me the value of patience, empathy, and unconditional love. Sure, I have gained a lot of wisdom because of it, but at the same time I’ve felt a lot of sadness, worries, fears, guilt and shame all throughout this journey. This is something I don’t share with anyone other than my partner which leaves me feeling alone most times.

When I first found out my sister was diagnosed with Autism, she was 3 years old and I was a sophomore in high school. If I’m being honest, I didn’t fully understand what it meant when our mom called me with news that “Arianna has autism”. The tone in her voice when she said those words made me feel sad but mostly confused because I had never even heard the term before. But truthfully, I was dealing with a lot of unresolved trauma in my teenage years that I dissociated from my then reality. I didn’t fully register what was happening in our lives the first 2 years after the diagnosis. As I started to pay attention and noticed how “different” my little sister was it finally hit me; she behaved in a unique way that I’ve never experienced or seen before. Her lack of speech made me realize at an early age I was going to become one of her advocates and speak for her because she simply didn’t have the proper speech to do so.

Autism doesn’t just affect the person born with it or the parents, it affects the entire family. In most cases, the stories I hear are from parents and the everyday challenges they experience. Since I wasn’t the parent, I felt like I couldn’t talk about my own struggles. I suppressed a lot of emotions about how it was also affecting me because I didn’t want to feel like a burden to our mom. She had more than enough on her plate; her own personal issues, being now a single parent of a teenage girl and a special needs toddler in a foreign country. Where we come from, us daughters, we have this sense of responsibility to become our mother’s mothers. We take on their burdens because they simply lack the emotional intelligence to consciously maneuver the hardships of life. But honestly I didn’t want to see our mom suffer any more than she already was. So at just 18 years old, I became like a second parent to my sister.

For a while I felt very proud of being “my sister’s second mom”- that’s what I would call myself. However, I then began to develop anger and resentment because I couldn’t hang out with my friends on certain weekends. Having to babysit my sister while our mom worked made me feel frustrated because I couldn’t say no most times. At the same time the feeling of guilt would eat me alive for refusing to babysit as I got older because of my own personal life. In most hispanic cultures, the older siblings are, in a way, obligated to help raise the younger siblings. Our mother did it with hers, so I was expected to do the same. Years went by and the emotion I kept experiencing continued to grow. I couldn’t wait to leave my mom’s apartment to live my own life and feel free of having to carry burdens that weren’t even mine. But the thought of leaving Ari behind would make me feel very sad.

Arianna and I share a special bond that no one could understand. I always felt very protective over her. Constantly fearing someone taking advantage of her or even being a victim of bullying for simply behaving weirdly at times. That’s why at an early age I taught her about protecting her private parts and if someone was being mean or a bully towards her in school that she could have the confidence to tell me. I’m always checking to see how her day in school went and when she visits friends and family with our mom to ensure her safety. At the same time, I deeply regret now how I would lose my temper and yell at her to the point of even spanking her for simply not “following my instructions” during my younger years. I owned up to my poor behavior and apologized to her for making her cry in the past. And since then, I made a promise to never hurt her physically, mentally or emotionally. That I will always be the Elsa to her Anna – that’s what we call each other because it represents our special bond and it’s our favorite Disney movie.

I know one day I will fully take on the responsibility of looking after my sister when our mom leaves this Earth. Honestly, the thought of it scares me to death. But, I’ve come to make peace with it and when that moment comes I will take on the challenge. Luckily, I have an amazing and very supportive partner by my side that understands and is fully aware of it, even though he didn’t ask to be part of it when we decided to share this life together. I always ask God to make sure she takes Arianna after our mom because the thought of her being alone on this planet without one of us completely breaks me. I have developed a high level of resilience throughout all my life experiences and I believe I am more than equipped to take on extreme levels of pain to ensure others don’t suffer. Call me a masochist – I guess that’s one of my many super powers.

Accepting that my sister is unique has helped me accept myself and others for who they are. Honestly, how boring life would be if everyone was the same? Ari keeps my spirit young and free while keeping my inner child fully alive. I love our relationship and how close we have gotten now that we are both getting older. I wouldn’t change anything about her if I had the chance. She has taught me the meaning of true unconditional love. She doesn’t expect anything from me, she just loves and accepts me for who I am. Ari continues to teach me to live life unapologetically and not care about the opinion of others or what society expects of us. All she wants from me is to join her in her imaginary world, play pretend with imaginary friends and toys and occasionally take her to Target on sister dates which I absolutely LOVE to do. I am eternally grateful to have her in this lifetime. I love experiencing life through her. Arianna is my silly little teacher, who continues to help me evolve as a person without her even knowing; all while loving me unconditionally.

The unheard stories of autism: a sibling's journey

In My Jesus Era; Turning 33

September 26, 2023

As I hit another trip around the sun and get wiser and finer by the year, I want to take a moment to reflect on the last few years of my life and express my gratitude for turning 33; aka my Jesus Era. Being alive is truly a gift that a lot of us take for granted. For as long as I can remember, I never enjoyed celebrating my birthdays. I think I started to associate it with a painful memory from the past, which made me dislike my so-called special day. But it wasn’t until recently, that a friend helped shift that perspective and made me rewrite this entire post.

To say that I have changed is an understatement because, holy sh*t, I have gone through a whole metamorphosis in the last 3 years. I touched rock bottom, and I didn’t like how it tasted. I went to hell and back and came out a whole different person. Like many of us, experiencing trauma at any point in our lives could paralyze us if we don’t have the tools or knowledge to process it correctly and I was no exception. I was living life on autopilot, frozen in time, just trying to survive. Unaware of everything around me, both internally and externally.

Coming to that realization and becoming aware of all the unresolved trauma I avoided for so long was a huge shock at first. It felt like I had been asleep for a really long time, and suddenly I was woken abruptly to a very confusing world. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to feel alive again, and I desperately wanted to change into a better version of myself. I didn’t want to be defined by my past anymore, and the victim mentality that I had created had to go. I started to finally understand that all the things I had gone through happened for me, not to me, thus beginning my journey of healing.

Everything I suppressed for the majority of my life started to come to the surface for me to finally address, feel, and release. Allowing myself to feel the pain, the fears, and the big emotions instead of running away gave me my freedom back, and it opened room for my authentic self to come out. Doing shadow work was incredibly painful, but I managed to do it and didn’t give up on myself. I pulled myself out of very painful situations, finally giving myself the credit that I deserve. Never in a million years did I think that I would be in my early 30s, healing myself, diving into the depths of my subconscious mind, and becoming my higher self.

Turning 33 represents coming into my true self. Shedding old versions of myself that I am no longer aligning or resonating with and making room for all the good things life has to offer. Call it an ego death, rebirth, enlightenment, or simply maturing, so far my 30s have become nothing but teachable moments and becoming more self-aware. This has propelled me into the most beautiful version of myself, letting my soul truly shine. Holy cow! I still can’t believe that it took 30 years to learn everything I know now. This new Ale 2.0 is ready to leave the past in the past and finally enjoy the present moment. After a long time of being in survival mode, I have earned the right to step into my thriving era and become the most unapologetic version of myself.

I am sure I will continue to face more challenges as I go through life. The difference lies in the ability to use what I have learned so far in order to face whatever life throws at me differently, with a more mature mindset. Most importantly, it’s time to acknowledge, honor, and celebrate the woman I am becoming and all the growth I’ve had in the short span of 3 years (big s/o to my Saturn’s return; it has been a hell of a journey, but we made it). It’s time to celebrate and make reality the life I always envisioned all while giving myself a pat on the back for all the hard work I’ve put in. Cause these m’fuckers ain’t stopping me, like Queen Bey said, I Am THAT girl, THE ALIEN SUPERSTAR 👽.

time to be honest with myself

August 23, 2023

Last year around this time, I finally made one of my goals a reality. For a while now, I have had the idea of starting a personal blog to share and connect with like-minded individuals. In a previous blog, I mentioned how I wanted a space of my own to speak my truth about how I perceive this 3D reality we live in, share my growth, talk about past traumas, or simply talk about any topics that I find fascinating. As a dreamer and, sadly, the unrealistic person that I am, I had already envisioned how I wanted to launch my personal blog; in my mind, it all sounded and looked perfect and easy as pie. But to be completely honest, I was just excited about the end results and using my blog as a way to make money without having to work a regular 9-to-5 job. I wanted the luxury, but mostly the freedom that I kept seeing from other bloggers and creators, without thinking logically about the steps I needed to take before reaching that goal. And as excited as I was to post my very first blog on my own website, a few posts later, I completely gave up and stopped posting. Until Now.

As I get older and become more self-aware, I’ve noticed that I have developed some coping mechanisms throughout my life whenever I’m feeling unpleasant emotions. This blog was another example of the type of person I have become when I’m no longer getting a dopamine rush. My first instinct is always to avoid feeling uneasy. It’s easier for me to steer away from any negative emotions than to actually feel them. That’s when I lose interest in the project or hobby because I feel so anxious and scared about all the work I need to do that I would rather give up and not even try. But which feeling is it? Boredom? Fear? Or could it be that I developed a behavior driven by all of these negative emotions that has led me to become a chronic procrastinator? – Let’s find out in the next episode of DBZ lol.

This is a pattern, aka a trauma response, that I have continued repeating throughout most of my life and that I am finally aware of. The difference is that I am now choosing to be honest with myself about what is stopping me from accomplishing my goals. When I get an idea, I immediately start feeling excited about it and completely dismiss the parts where I actually need to put in the work and make some sacrifices in order to manifest my dreams into reality. It’s almost as if my mind only wants me to focus on the good parts of it and pretend my dreams will somehow appear by blinking my eyes. I find myself constantly stuck in this loop of starting over or wanting to start something, but for whatever reason, I physically can’t get myself to do it or finish it. And the guilt of feeling like a failure eats me alive each time.

If I am being completely honest, the fear of failing and being judged stops me pretty much all the time. It took a really long time to come to this conclusion. As much as I tried to avoid it and pretend those fears were not real, I simply couldn’t anymore. I had to look myself in the eye and see how much it was preventing me from doing the things I dream about. Listening to the audiobook “The Mountain is You” by Brianna Wiest is also helping me tremendously, and I am realizing that I am my own worst enemy. I am the one stopping me from becoming the person I want to be, or, I should say, the person I know I am capable of being. And sure, let’s add the fact that I could also have ADHD to the mix (I have not been diagnosed by a professional, btw, just by TikTok), and that’s just the cherry on top that I needed to become the master procrastinator that I am today. Yay! Me! 🙂

Change will not happen right away. I am very aware that it will require some work, discipline, and accountability to get out of this loop that I’ve been stuck in for years. I just need to stop being scared of failing and actually put in the work that is required in order to accomplish my dreams and build the life I envision. As I once heard, “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Yes, it’s way easier said than done, but it’s possible. I don’t want to be 80 and regret the time I wasted because I was afraid. Fear is what is keeping me stuck in this comfort zone, and I am done feeling safe or thinking, “I am not good enough.” I want to take risks. I want to fail and try over again, but mostly, I want to stay true to my word. I don’t know how long it will take to get to this imaginary finish line that I have for myself or what’s going to happen when I get there. But one thing I know is that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and I sure as hell don’t want to wait 200 years to start working on the life I want and deserve.

Have you ever felt misunderstood?

December 31, 2022

Feeling misunderstood can be a quite sad and very lonely road.

For as long as I can remember, I have always tried to be more like the people I have surrounded myself with, just so I can be liked or accepted. The fear of being judged or made fun of didn’t allow me to reveal my authentic self for the majority of my life. And I only shared that very important side of me with 2 or 3 people. I am not really sure how that fear was formed or created, but if I had to guess I’d say it comes from my childhood (shocker, lol).

I think I had a happy childhood. I say I think because when I look at pictures of myself from when I was a kid, I see a happy little girl playing alone or with her cousins and mostly dancing and singing around the house. But the truth is, I don’t remember most of my childhood. I know my brain has suppressed around 90% of those memories probably to protect me from any type of pain I felt growing up. Isn’t it amazing how our brains work? My brain is literally protecting me from myself. Or it can be that because I have aphantasia – the inability to visualize things, (aka my mind is blind AF), and that makes it nearly impossible to remember any early memories. Fun Fact: I recently learned that the majority of people can actually see things in their minds, and here I thought this whole time it was a figure of speech when someone would say things like “imagine” this or that. #MindBlown lol. I know, right?

Anyhow, I am not sure what the real reason is behind why I can’t remember most of my childhood, but some of the things I do recall briefly include watching my mother compare herself to her older sister. I also witnessed and listened to some of the adults in my life spout nonsense about those who dared to be different, labeling them as weird or strange. Growing up in a very judgmental environment where everyone is always comparing and criticizing each other impacted my life tremendously without even realizing it. Which is why I grew up with the fear of not being liked for who I truly was. And just like my mother, I also started to compare myself to others. It first started with my cousins, then it progressed to imitating my school friends, and suddenly any sense of individuality I had vanished.

It didn’t help at all that I migrated to the US when I was going through puberty while also dealing with my parents’ divorce. I remember feeling like a complete outcast on my first day school, as if I were an alien visiting Earth for the first time. I felt so out of place and confused because I didn’t know anyone and didn’t speak a word of English. Good thing I was placed in a bilingual classroom, but truthfully, I really don’t remember how I made it through the first day of school. But I am almost 99% sure that my almost 13-year-old self wanted to die. The culture shock was definitely real, and in order to survive this new reality, I did what almost any teenage girl would have done in a brand new place. I blended in and became like some of the girls in my classroom in order to prevent feeling misunderstood.

I spent the majority of my teens and 20s trying to be like everyone I surrounded myself with. I had no sense of self, nor wanted to get to know me because, honestly, I hated myself. I wasn’t content with who I was or how I looked, and I constantly compared myself to my girlfriends and my cousins, but mostly to girls on social media. It didn’t help that I kept chasing the attention of men, and in order to attract boys my age, I thought that I had to be “a certain way.” On top of that, I grew up in a household where some sort of expectation was placed on me without even realizing it. The feeling of having to fit into this mold was present almost all the time, and of course I resented that. Deep down, I knew I didn’t want to be put into this imaginary box that was created for me. I just wanted to be me. Whatever “Me” was. Everything I had experienced up to this point in my life made me suppress everything that I really was. But mostly the feeling of being misunderstood and judged was always there, and the result of repressing very important parts of myself had me living a very unhappy and unhealthy life for a very long time.

It wasn’t until I started to really do some inner healing work that I noticed my true essence slowly coming out. Something in me awakened that helped me no longer care about the opinions of others (or maybe it was the fact that I was turning 30 and I stopped giving a f*ck about a lot of things lol). But the fear of being judged started to finally disappear after all of these years, and it felt so freaking liberating. By nurturing my inner child, I began to finally accept and love all aspects of myself, even the weird parts that I had kept hidden and neglected for so long. Everything started to come out to the surface, and I no longer had any intentions of keeping anything concealed anymore. I embraced all parts of me, including the very weird ones that I didn’t like or felt ashamed by. And just like that, I became free, like my girl Elsa when she ran away to the forest to finally explore her powers, which helped her find inner peace and build her beautiful ice castle. Yes, Frozen is one of my favorite Disney movies #LetItGo.

Feeling misunderstood or different from others can be really lonely and painful, but at the same time, it can also be your superpower. It only depends on how you choose to see it. The real magic happens when you finally remove all of the extra layers that were added for protection and allow your soul to fully shine. But it all starts with you, by learning to love and accept all parts of yourself, and that can only happen when you stop seeking external validation. It took me 32 years to acquire this knowledge, and I can only hope my story inspires or helps anyone who is feeling the way I felt for the majority of my life. It will get better, I promise you. Trust and believe in yourself and your journey but most importantly, love yourself the way your inner child would want to be loved.

Mami, can i tell you how i feel but without you making me feel bad about how i feel?

November 28, 2022

How can I open up and share my feelings with my mom when she plays the victim and tries to dismiss them?

This is a struggle I face whenever I open up to my mom and share my perspective on the childhood experiences that had a tremendous impact in my life.

The times I have opened up in an attempt to be vulnerable with her, she seems to feel attacked and as a result she doesn’t validate my experience. I can’t speak for her but I can imagine she must feel like I am criticizing or questioning her character. And in doing so she ends up gaslighting me without even noticing how it makes me feel.

Fortunately for the both of us, I know she does not mean to do that and I’m well aware she does not do so intentionally nor understands the term “gaslighting.” Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as “a psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

My mom comes from a different generation than me. It almost feels as if she was raised lifetimes ago because of how closed-minded her mentality is compared to mine. The best I can do is educate her about the things that she’s doing and how hurtful it can be on my end. But most importantly, I am learning to be more patient with her and continuing to set healthy boundaries to improve our mother-and-daughter relationship.

However, if I’m being honest I learned the term gaslighting 2 or 3 years ago while I started my healing journey and seeking therapy. Before that, I had never heard of it before nor was I aware that I was experiencing it myself with both romantic and personal relationships. Now that I am older and a bit wiser, I understand she always did the best she could with the knowledge that she had. And if I had any bad childhood experiences, hers were definitely worse.

Regardless, it doesn’t justify the suffering I encountered because of the consequences of her poor actions. That is not to say I’m not thankful for the things she did that attribute to the woman I am today. But do I wish she wouldn’t have done certain things? Of course! I would have LOVED being raised by the healthy version of my mom. My life would have been a completely different telenovela than the one I’m currently portraying in right now LOL and our relationship would have been completely different today.

There are days when I need to remind myself that my mom and I don’t share the same level of self-awareness. That she doesn’t mean to hurt me with her words or actions. That I need to be more patient when she’s not understanding my perspective instead of taking it personally or lashing out at her. That she’s not perfect but neither Am I. We are just two human beings making mistakes and learning from those mistakes along this journey we call Life.

As I gain more self-awareness, I am also learning to be more compassionate and understanding towards my mom. We might not always see things eye to eye or share the same beliefs but at the end of the day the love we have for each other is and will always be there. I am forever grateful for everything my mom has done for me and I hope that one day I am in the position to repay her in any way I can, not because I have to but because I want to.