As I hit another trip around the sun and get wiser and finer by the year, I want to take a moment to reflect on the last few years of my life and express my gratitude for turning 33; aka my Jesus Era. Being alive is truly a gift that a lot of us take for granted. For as long as I can remember, I never enjoyed celebrating my birthdays. I think I started to associate it with a painful memory from the past, which made me dislike my so-called special day. But it wasn’t until recently, that a friend helped shift that perspective and made me rewrite this entire post.

To say that I have changed is an understatement because, holy sh*t, I have gone through a whole metamorphosis in the last 3 years. I touched rock bottom, and I didn’t like how it tasted. I went to hell and back and came out a whole different person. Like many of us, experiencing trauma at any point in our lives could paralyze us if we don’t have the tools or knowledge to process it correctly and I was no exception. I was living life on autopilot, frozen in time, just trying to survive. Unaware of everything around me, both internally and externally. 

Coming to that realization and becoming aware of all the unresolved trauma I avoided for so long was a huge shock at first. It felt like I had been asleep for a really long time, and suddenly I was woken abruptly to a very confusing world. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to feel alive again, and I desperately wanted to change into a better version of myself. I didn’t want to be defined by my past anymore, and the victim mentality that I had created had to go. I started to finally understand that all the things I had gone through happened for me, not to me, thus beginning my journey of healing.

Everything I suppressed for the majority of my life started to come to the surface for me to finally address, feel, and release. Allowing myself to feel the pain, the fears, and the big emotions instead of running away gave me my freedom back, and it opened room for my authentic self to come out. Doing shadow work was incredibly painful, but I managed to do it and didn’t give up on myself. I pulled myself out of very painful situations, finally giving myself the credit that I deserve. Never in a million years did I think that I would be in my early 30s, healing myself, diving into the depths of my subconscious mind, and becoming my higher self.

Turning 33 represents coming into my true self. Shedding old versions of myself that I am no longer aligning or resonating with and making room for all the good things life has to offer. Call it an ego death, rebirth, enlightenment, or simply maturing, so far my 30s have become nothing but teachable moments and becoming more self-aware. This has propelled me into the most beautiful version of myself, letting my soul truly shine. Holy cow! I still can’t believe that it took 30 years to learn everything I know now. This new Ale 2.0 is ready to leave the past in the past and finally enjoy the present moment. After a long time of being in survival mode, I have earned the right to step into my thriving era and become the most unapologetic version of myself. 

I am sure I will continue to face more challenges as I go through life. The difference lies in the ability to use what I have learned so far in order to face whatever life throws at me differently, with a more mature mindset. Most importantly, it’s time to acknowledge, honor, and celebrate the woman I am becoming and all the growth I’ve had in the short span of 3 years (big s/o to my Saturn’s return; it has been a hell of a journey, but we made it). It’s time to celebrate and make reality the life I always envisioned all while giving myself a pat on the back for all the hard work I’ve put in. Cause these m’fuckers ain’t stopping me, like Queen Bey said, I Am THAT girl, THE ALIEN SUPERSTAR 👽.

<3

Last year around this time, I finally made one of my goals a reality. For a while now, I have had the idea of starting a personal blog to share and connect with like-minded individuals. In a previous blog, I mentioned how I wanted a space of my own to speak my truth about how I perceive this 3D reality we live in, share my growth, talk about past traumas, or simply talk about any topics that I find fascinating. As a dreamer and, sadly, the unrealistic person that I am, I had already envisioned how I wanted to launch my personal blog; in my mind, it all sounded and looked perfect and easy as pie. But to be completely honest, I was just excited about the end results and using my blog as a way to make money without having to work a regular 9-to-5 job. I wanted the luxury, but mostly the freedom that I kept seeing from other bloggers and creators, without thinking logically about the steps I needed to take before reaching that goal. And as excited as I was to post my very first blog on my own website, a few posts later, I completely gave up and stopped posting. Until Now. 

As I get older and become more self-aware, I’ve noticed that I have developed some coping mechanisms throughout my life whenever I’m feeling unpleasant emotions. This blog was another example of the type of person I have become when I’m no longer getting a dopamine rush. My first instinct is always to avoid feeling uneasy. It’s easier for me to steer away from any negative emotions than to actually feel them. That’s when I lose interest in the project or hobby because I feel so anxious and scared about all the work I need to do that I would rather give up and not even try. But which feeling is it? Boredom? Fear? Or could it be that I developed a behavior driven by all of these negative emotions that has led me to become a chronic procrastinator? –  Let’s find out in the next episode of DBZ lol. 

This is a pattern, aka a trauma response, that I have continued repeating throughout most of my life and that I am finally aware of. The difference is that I am now choosing to be honest with myself about what is stopping me from accomplishing my goals. When I get an idea, I immediately start feeling excited about it and completely dismiss the parts where I actually need to put in the work and make some sacrifices in order to manifest my dreams into reality. It’s almost as if my mind only wants me to focus on the good parts of it and pretend my dreams will somehow appear by blinking my eyes. I find myself constantly stuck in this loop of starting over or wanting to start something, but for whatever reason, I physically can’t get myself to do it or finish it. And the guilt of feeling like a failure eats me alive each time. 

If I am being completely honest, the fear of failing and being judged stops me pretty much all the time. It took a really long time to come to this conclusion. As much as I tried to avoid it and pretend those fears were not real, I simply couldn’t anymore. I had to look myself in the eye and see how much it was preventing me from doing the things I dream about. Listening to the audiobook “The Mountain is You” by Brianna Wiest is also helping me tremendously, and I am realizing that I am my own worst enemy. I am the one stopping me from becoming the person I want to be, or, I should say, the person I know I am capable of being. And sure, let’s add the fact that I could also have ADHD to the mix (I have not been diagnosed by a professional, btw, just by TikTok), and that’s just the cherry on top that I needed to become the master procrastinator that I am today. Yay! Me! 🙂

Change will not happen right away. I am very aware that it will require some work, discipline, and accountability to get out of this loop that I’ve been stuck in for years. I just need to stop being scared of failing and actually put in the work that is required in order to accomplish my dreams and build the life I envision. As I once heard, “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Yes, it’s way easier said than done, but it’s possible. I don’t want to be 80 and regret the time I wasted because I was afraid. Fear is what is keeping me stuck in this comfort zone, and I am done feeling safe or thinking, “I am not good enough.” I want to take risks. I want to fail and try over again, but mostly, I want to stay true to my word. I don’t know how long it will take to get to this imaginary finish line that I have for myself or what’s going to happen when I get there. But one thing I know is that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and I sure as hell don’t want to wait 200 years to start working on the life I want and deserve.