Last year around this time, I finally made one of my goals a reality. For a while now, I have had the idea of starting a personal blog to share and connect with like-minded individuals. In a previous blog, I mentioned how I wanted a space of my own to speak my truth about how I perceive this 3D reality we live in, share my growth, talk about past traumas, or simply talk about any topics that I find fascinating. As a dreamer and, sadly, the unrealistic person that I am, I had already envisioned how I wanted to launch my personal blog; in my mind, it all sounded and looked perfect and easy as pie. But to be completely honest, I was just excited about the end results and using my blog as a way to make money without having to work a regular 9-to-5 job. I wanted the luxury, but mostly the freedom that I kept seeing from other bloggers and creators, without thinking logically about the steps I needed to take before reaching that goal. And as excited as I was to post my very first blog on my own website, a few posts later, I completely gave up and stopped posting. Until Now.
As I get older and become more self-aware, I’ve noticed that I have developed some coping mechanisms throughout my life whenever I’m feeling unpleasant emotions. This blog was another example of the type of person I have become when I’m no longer getting a dopamine rush. My first instinct is always to avoid feeling uneasy. It’s easier for me to steer away from any negative emotions than to actually feel them. That’s when I lose interest in the project or hobby because I feel so anxious and scared about all the work I need to do that I would rather give up and not even try. But which feeling is it? Boredom? Fear? Or could it be that I developed a behavior driven by all of these negative emotions that has led me to become a chronic procrastinator? – Let’s find out in the next episode of DBZ lol.
This is a pattern, aka a trauma response, that I have continued repeating throughout most of my life and that I am finally aware of. The difference is that I am now choosing to be honest with myself about what is stopping me from accomplishing my goals. When I get an idea, I immediately start feeling excited about it and completely dismiss the parts where I actually need to put in the work and make some sacrifices in order to manifest my dreams into reality. It’s almost as if my mind only wants me to focus on the good parts of it and pretend my dreams will somehow appear by blinking my eyes. I find myself constantly stuck in this loop of starting over or wanting to start something, but for whatever reason, I physically can’t get myself to do it or finish it. And the guilt of feeling like a failure eats me alive each time.
If I am being completely honest, the fear of failing and being judged stops me pretty much all the time. It took a really long time to come to this conclusion. As much as I tried to avoid it and pretend those fears were not real, I simply couldn’t anymore. I had to look myself in the eye and see how much it was preventing me from doing the things I dream about. Listening to the audiobook “The Mountain is You” by Brianna Wiest is also helping me tremendously, and I am realizing that I am my own worst enemy. I am the one stopping me from becoming the person I want to be, or, I should say, the person I know I am capable of being. And sure, let’s add the fact that I could also have ADHD to the mix (I have not been diagnosed by a professional, btw, just by TikTok), and that’s just the cherry on top that I needed to become the master procrastinator that I am today. Yay! Me! 🙂
Change will not happen right away. I am very aware that it will require some work, discipline, and accountability to get out of this loop that I’ve been stuck in for years. I just need to stop being scared of failing and actually put in the work that is required in order to accomplish my dreams and build the life I envision. As I once heard, “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Yes, it’s way easier said than done, but it’s possible. I don’t want to be 80 and regret the time I wasted because I was afraid. Fear is what is keeping me stuck in this comfort zone, and I am done feeling safe or thinking, “I am not good enough.” I want to take risks. I want to fail and try over again, but mostly, I want to stay true to my word. I don’t know how long it will take to get to this imaginary finish line that I have for myself or what’s going to happen when I get there. But one thing I know is that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and I sure as hell don’t want to wait 200 years to start working on the life I want and deserve.