How can I open up and share my feelings with my mom when she plays the victim and tries to dismiss them?
This is a struggle I face whenever I open up to my mom and share my perspective on the childhood experiences that had a tremendous impact in my life.
The times I have opened up in an attempt to be vulnerable with her, she seems to feel attacked and as a result she doesn’t validate my experience. I can’t speak for her but I can imagine she must feel like I am criticizing or questioning her character. And in doing so she ends up gaslighting me without even noticing how it makes me feel.
Fortunately for the both of us, I know she does not mean to do that and I’m well aware she does not do so intentionally nor understands the term “gaslighting.” Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as “a psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”
My mom comes from a different generation than me. It almost feels as if she was raised lifetimes ago because of how closed-minded her mentality is compared to mine. The best I can do is educate her about the things that she’s doing and how hurtful it can be on my end. But most importantly, I am learning to be more patient with her and continuing to set healthy boundaries to improve our mother-and-daughter relationship.
However, if I’m being honest I learned the term gaslighting 2 or 3 years ago while I started my healing journey and seeking therapy. Before that, I had never heard of it before nor was I aware that I was experiencing it myself with both romantic and personal relationships. Now that I am older and a bit wiser, I understand she always did the best she could with the knowledge that she had. And if I had any bad childhood experiences, hers were definitely worse.
Regardless, it doesn’t justify the suffering I encountered because of the consequences of her poor actions. That is not to say I’m not thankful for the things she did that attribute to the woman I am today. But do I wish she wouldn’t have done certain things? Of course! I would have LOVED being raised by the healthy version of my mom. My life would have been a completely different telenovela than the one I’m currently portraying in right now LOL and our relationship would have been completely different today.
There are days when I need to remind myself that my mom and I don’t share the same level of self-awareness. That she doesn’t mean to hurt me with her words or actions. That I need to be more patient when she’s not understanding my perspective instead of taking it personally or lashing out at her. That she’s not perfect but neither Am I. We are just two human beings making mistakes and learning from those mistakes along this journey we call Life.
As I gain more self-awareness, I am also learning to be more compassionate and understanding towards my mom. We might not always see things eye to eye or share the same beliefs but at the end of the day the love we have for each other is and will always be there. I am forever grateful for everything my mom has done for me and I hope that one day I am in the position to repay her in any way I can, not because I have to but because I want to.
<3