For the longest time, I found myself running away from intense emotions. Fearing their overwhelming power. I was scared of the depth of my own emotions and the chaos they seemed to unleash internally. Honestly, it was easier to bury them. To suppress them. To pretend they didn’t exist, instead of confronting what I was truly feeling inside.
Avoidance only fueled the fire I carried within me. Ignoring those overwhelming emotions didn’t make them disappear at all. Instead, it made them linger for a very long time. Patiently waiting for an opportunity to finally rise to the surface. Eventually, I realized that in my quest to shield myself from feeling any type of pain, I was actually denying the opportunity to be human and fully indulge in the diverse range of emotions that we all came here to experience. And most importantly, I was refusing the opportunity to learn how to process them in a healthy way without becoming attached to them.
In the past, I used to pretend like everything was fine; even my behavior showed the opposite. For as long as I remember, I have been running away from anything that made me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. Unless I was going through a breakup, those were the only times I allowed myself to feel the pain. I come from a family that prefers to sweep things under the rug. I also grew up watching my mother suppress her emotions because of how uncomfortable it makes her feel. But as I get older, I am realizing she had not choice but to be strong for me and my baby sister. And just like that, I started to mirror the same behavior and repressed overwhelming emotions in order to protect myself.
My journey began when I decided to embark on the never-ending path of self-healing. Doing shadow work allowed me to see my own darkness and finally become aware, at 33 years-young, of my emotional numbness. Honestly, I didn’t like it. It made me feel extremely sad about the fact that I have been dissociating for most of my life due to severe stress and trauma. So I sought refuge in mindfulness and meditation, viewing them as tools that could potentially help me navigate the tumultuous waters of my emotions. Little did I know that these practices would become my anchor in my internal storm.
Mindfulness taught me to observe my emotions without judgment or attachment. It was challenging at first but yet, very enlightening. I began by simply acknowledging my feelings as they arose, and feeling them in my body. Allowing myself to experience them fully without suppressing or denying their existence. Meditation became my sanctuary; a space where I could sit with my emotions, and simply observe them as they pass without allowing them to overpower me.
Today, I stand more resilient, equipped with the wisdom that comes from confronting my emotions head-on. They no longer loom over me like an invincible obstacle; instead, they are guides, showing me the depth and richness of the human experience. To anyone navigating their own emotional journey, I encourage you to embrace your feelings, no matter how overwhelming they may seem. Practice mindfulness and patience. Allow yourself to feel without attachment, and trust that within the storm lies an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.
Remember, you are not alone on this journey. Embrace the storm within; it might just lead you to the calm you seek.
